InsaneJournal

Current mood:

bouncy

Funny/Stupid Quotes II
"When humor goes, there goes civilization"
~Emma Bombeck.

I think some of the funniest quotes come from those who produced it unintentionally.. It's amazing how they truly believe what they're saying makes sense. Needless to say, most that comes under this group would be politicians ><..
I also love witty/sarcastic quotes (might have something to do with my very sarcastic nature ^^) and have gone through thousands of sites just to amuse myself and post some of the more memorable ones to share with y'all here. Hope you'll find these as amusing and entertaining as I do.



"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."
~Marcel Achard (...I admit, I do the same thing couple of times in some of my classes T-T)

"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
~George W. Bush

"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas."
~George W. Bush (I could've swore that I just seen Mandela LIVE on TV yesterday..! o.O)

"The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th."
~George W. Bush (*tilted head* hmm.. Was that a confession??)

"We both use Colgate toothpaste."
~George W Bush, after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift' ... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'."
~Alexai Sayle (Lol.. XD)

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
~Dan Quayle, former Vice President of US (believe it or not, I kinda feel sorry for the guy.. >.<..)

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
~Dan Quayle (*banged head on the wall*)

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
~Dan Quayle

"I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child."
~Dan Quayle (o.O)

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."
~Dan Quayle (Ahh.. that explains everything.. *nod nod*)

"The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other."
~Dan Quayle (ROFLOL.. I *heart*this guy. He seriously starting to grow on me.. seriously!)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
~Jason Kidd (Aannd we're back at where we left off ><)

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
~Mayor Marion Barry (did he expects us to be thankful for that fact??)

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
~Woody Allen (Join the club, hun!)

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~Robin Williams

"What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light."
~Mark Twain

"My fiancee and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no expense spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement."
~Sally Poplin

"The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do."
~HL Mencken (honestly, I think he may be right -.-;;)

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
~Woody Allen

"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in."
~Rita Rudner (Men.. *roll eyes*)

"After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'."
~Larry Brown

"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian!'"
~Dick Wilson (this one cracks me up lol..)

"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"
~Steven Wright

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
~Anonymous

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
His reply: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
~Rodney Dangerfield

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
~Rodney Dangerfield

"The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?"
~Bill Watterson, 'Calvin and Hobbes'




Honey Toast and Mint Ice-cream;
Crizz ^__^