InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Hm, I'm feeling your hands..."

criztalinz (criztalinz) wrote,
@ 2007-12-17 13:43:00

Current mood:

depressed

Rants and raves of a possibly depressed person
Okay, I normally wouldn't post something like this.. But this time I just have to.. I don't know.. just do something to relieve the increasing 'pressure' on my chest.
....
..
I'm depressed.. I think.. No, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed... And I have no idea why. Lately I just feel like crying and there's this intense constant ache within that's choking me. Sometimes I didn't want to face the world.. I feel like 'what's the use anymore of waking up each day'.. there are days that I just want to scream but I keep thinking that once I start, I wouldn't be able to stop. I can't breathe properly... and honestly, some distinct part of me just didn't want to. There's nobody around that I could talk to and when I did talk to someone, I felt better for only about 5 minutes before I start freaking out again. I just want to get away from everything but I don't know how... I don't even know from what or whom am I running away from.
I don't understand what's wrong with me! By all rights, I should be at the top of my world now.. or at least be contented enough for a while. I'm 26, I just graduated (about 6 days ago) from taking my Master degree. Currently I'm supposed to enjoy my free time before start finding job... But instead I just feel so down and sad and useless and tired.
I hate feeling like this. I hate when my chest hurts so bad that I just want to cut it open and let it all bleed out. I hate waking up and knowing that it'll be the same routine all over again.. endless.. like a wheel or something.
I hate all this and I hate myself for not being able to figure out what the hell's wrong with me.
I want to die.. and yet.. I don't know.. I just can't bring myself to giving up just yet. But God knows how tired I am...
I need to figure out something fast.. because I just can't take this anymore.

Peace out;
Crizz

..btw if anyone cares, I've updated the 'Snape' list.

Edit (evening; 5.45pm): I think I figured some things out (after a long extremely cold walk): I'm depressed because (or partially because) I have nothing to do! As a naturally active person, I'm used to always have my days filled with.. somethings... Dance classes, library, doing assignments, shoppings.. whatever the time is, I always always have some stuffs to do and to preoccupied my mind with.. But now, after graduating.. suddenly I have all these free times and I have no idea what to do with them! I can't even fill it out with extra dance lessons as it is Christmas time and end of year (so the classes are all over until next term). Point is, I don't have anything else to look forward to! all I can see in front of me is just another bleak blank day one after another....
... And that's really scary.. And I refused to live another day like this! I need to go online and find as many good companies that I can apply jobs to and submit my resume and stuffs! I need to do something other than sit around and feel sorry and scared for myself!

(Post a new comment)

	littleblackbow 2007-12-17 08:49 pm UTC (link)
	Ugh. I went through something similar after graduation... and I was a december grad, so I had seasonal depression to boot -_- So, yeah, I took vitamins, and my counselor said to be outside in the sun as much as possible. Take comfort where I could find it, and not to stress too much on the whole "what do I do now" question. What's your degree in? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	criztalinz 2007-12-18 01:25 pm UTC (link)
	I took AgriBusiness Management... I went through something similar after graduation So this is normal?? coz I'm starting to doubt my sanity. My mood went haywire and to feel so dispirited is terrible! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

littleblackbow
2007-12-18 01:31 pm UTC (link)

The worst was sitting there wondering "what the hell am I gonna do now."

No more classes, no more schedules, no more figuring out how to fit five required classes into a semester that could only hold three...

I'd just spent the past five and a half years of my life working in an academic environment, and I was totally unprepared for the whole "what's next" thing.

Yeah, I was really depressed. And on top of that, I felt unqualified, and knew I couldn't find a job in my field right away - since the field was so damn small.

It took me a year and a half to find anything remotely close to what I was trained for. In the mean time, I worked retail, taught myself to knit, started creating my own fashion designs, and tried to convince myself that I wasn't useless. Of course, I wasn't *really* useless, but it sure felt that way. Especially since it was just me, and I hadn't had a relationship or emotional support in four years.

I'm doing better now, though. Still knitting, working at a better job with better pay and better benefits that's at least in a similar field.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

ejab62
2007-12-18 11:49 am UTC (link)

Don't forget that you'll be entering a whole new world now. The studying is done. Now what?
When I left school, I experienced the same. It really was a kind of mourning. With all the pain that comes with it.
The only advice I can give you is to seek help *or* really, *really, try to find something that pleases you. A hobby of some sort. Maybe it's time for you to play a bit first.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	criztalinz 2007-12-18 01:30 pm UTC (link)
	Isn't it weird?? I mean, we should b celebrating that we're done with studying and exams and assignments etc.. but instead, having nothing to do makes me feel nervous and unsure. I'm glad I posted this.. I thought I was the only one crazy enough to feel this depressed right after graduation. It's really nice to know that I wasn't the only one >.<.. (Reply to this) (Parent)