|criztalinz (criztalinz) wrote,|
@ 2007-12-17 13:43:00
Rants and raves of a possibly depressed person
Okay, I normally wouldn't post something like this.. But this time I just have to.. I don't know.. just do something to relieve the increasing 'pressure' on my chest.
I'm depressed.. I think.. No, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed... And I have no idea why. Lately I just feel like crying and there's this intense constant ache within that's choking me. Sometimes I didn't want to face the world.. I feel like 'what's the use anymore of waking up each day'.. there are days that I just want to scream but I keep thinking that once I start, I wouldn't be able to stop. I can't breathe properly... and honestly, some distinct part of me just didn't want to. There's nobody around that I could talk to and when I did talk to someone, I felt better for only about 5 minutes before I start freaking out again. I just want to get away from everything but I don't know how... I don't even know from what or whom am I running away from.
I don't understand what's wrong with me! By all rights, I should be at the top of my world now.. or at least be contented enough for a while. I'm 26, I just graduated (about 6 days ago) from taking my Master degree. Currently I'm supposed to enjoy my free time before start finding job... But instead I just feel so down and sad and useless and tired.
I hate feeling like this. I hate when my chest hurts so bad that I just want to cut it open and let it all bleed out. I hate waking up and knowing that it'll be the same routine all over again.. endless.. like a wheel or something.
I hate all this and I hate myself for not being able to figure out what the hell's wrong with me.
I want to die.. and yet.. I don't know.. I just can't bring myself to giving up just yet. But God knows how tired I am...
I need to figure out something fast.. because I just can't take this anymore.
..btw if anyone cares, I've updated the 'Snape' list.
Edit (evening; 5.45pm): I think I figured some things out (after a long extremely cold walk): I'm depressed because (or partially because) I have nothing to do! As a naturally active person, I'm used to always have my days filled with.. somethings... Dance classes, library, doing assignments, shoppings.. whatever the time is, I always always have some stuffs to do and to preoccupied my mind with.. But now, after graduating.. suddenly I have all these free times and I have no idea what to do with them! I can't even fill it out with extra dance lessons as it is Christmas time and end of year (so the classes are all over until next term). Point is, I don't have anything else to look forward to! all I can see in front of me is just another bleak blank day one after another....
... And that's really scary.. And I refused to live another day like this! I need to go online and find as many good companies that I can apply jobs to and submit my resume and stuffs! I need to do something other than sit around and feel sorry and scared for myself!